This post was inspired by something similar I read at She Picks Up Pennies. Thank you Penny for the idea.
I think we can all agree that we have all learned a lot from our parents. I certainly have. Some of the lessons I learned from my parents were intentional on their part. Other things I just picked up from observation. Most crucially, some of these lessons had to do with doing the right things, while other lessons I learned from them were prime examples of what not to do.
My parents were both immigrants to Canada. Mom came as a teenager in the 1960s with her family. Dad came solo as a young man in the early 1970s. But one thing they had in common is that they both grew up poor.
I have found this to be pretty common among people I know in my parents’ generation. Especially in Europe after World War II, most people were poor. My parents grew up in poverty. They both have many stories about hunger, about not having enough, about having to share meager rations with their families and doing whatever they could to scrape by. They both left Europe in search of a better life. And they both found one.
We all know the phrase “know the value of a dollar,” but that means different things to different people. My parents weren’t the type to spend a lot of money on expensive big ticket items, like fancy cars or gadgets or what have you. They knew exactly how many hours they would have to work to pay for those things. My dad always bought used cars and would fix them himself whenever he could. And he was clever enough not to spend way too much on brand new technologies. He would tell us stories of colleagues of his who would spend thousands (in the 1970s and 1980s mind you) on brand new Betamax machines or CD players. Our family was never the first to get the latest new toy. We waited for the prices to come way down before we bought them. So to my parents, spending too much on things they considered to be luxury items was just silly. Wasteful even.
On the other hand, there were a couple of things my parents would spend money on without giving it a second thought. The two biggest examples are food and clothes. And I think the reason why is because they were two things that they had to do without for a lot of their upbringing.
My parents seemed to measure wealth in shoes a lot of the time. I’d hear stories about how my dad had one pair of shoes that lasted him many years and had to be used for every occasion. He had to take care of his shoes and have them resoled time and time again because there just wasn’t enough money for another pair.
Same thing went with clothing. There was one story I remember about my dad putting on his Sunday best to go to church, and then having his suit ruined by a flock of birds passing by and doing what flocks of birds that pass by do. There was no church for him that day because he had to turn around, wash his one suit and have a bath.
So after moving to Canada and amassing a little wealth, he never hesitated to spend money to ensure his family was well clothed. He didn’t want his children to feel deprived or embarrassed so he was happy to spend the money. My mom was exactly the same. If as a kid I asked for money to buy candy or hockey cards I was out of luck, but if I asked for money to buy clothes or shoes, there would be money in my hand before I even finished speaking.
It was the same with food. I have touched on this subject a bit in a previous post, but there was always more than enough food to be had at our house. Do you know what happens when people who grew up poor and hungry start earning decent incomes and have children of their own? They have fat kids. In my parents’ mind, the biggest sin was for a child to go hungry. So gosh darn it, they made sure their kids never were hungry. We never even got close to hungry.
At the same time, we weren’t rich. My parents knew the value of a dollar and while they always wanted to make sure their family was well fed and clothed, they didn’t want to waste money either. So while they didn’t necessarily have any “rules” in place about spending money, it was easy to discern their outlook and their values from how they approached money and spending. And not just when it came to clothes and food either. I’m talking about the lessons I learned from my parents from nearly forty years of observing how they handled money.
Some lessons came from both. For example, both my parents thought spending money on labels was stupid. Their belief was that one should never pay extra for a brand name, especially when it’s a fad. (No Vuarnet t-shirts for this cool cat when he was in school). On the other hand, they felt that spending a little extra on quality is wise, especially if it means you’re less likely to have to replace the item, or will replace it less frequently.
But other lessons were specific to one or the other. And they came in both the “what to do” and “what not to do” varieties.
First off, there’s work ethic. Neither of my parents were ever afraid of hard work. When my mom came to Canada as a teenager, she was the first member of her family to find a job and provide for the rest of her family. Mom started putting food on the table even before my grandparents did.
My mother also always seemed to know the price of everything. As the parent who did the lion’s share of the grocery shopping, she always knew what was a good price for any given item. And mom read flyers. She would read the flyers and look for the deals. If something we consumed regularly went on sale, mom would go to that store to buy it. If it was something that stored well or could be frozen, she might even buy a lot of it.
Unfortunately this also meant that some days she would go shopping at three or four different grocery stores because there were different items on sale at each store. This might seem like a good idea and maybe you applaud my mom’s commitment to thrift, but like my dad always loved pointing out to her, you could argue that the money she spent on gas going to all those stores might not have been worth the pennies she saved from buying those items on sale.
The other way my mom wasted money was by buying too much food and allowing it to spoil. I remember especially when my brother and I were teenagers, we used to eat a lot. Like, a lot a lot. And like I have said before, my parents always liked to have a little extra on hand in case we had any visitors, which happened often enough. But as us kids grew from teenagers into adults, we started eating less. And then we all moved out and into homes of our own. But my mom still shops and cooks for a family of five. And because she always liked to buy fresh healthy food and plenty of fruits and vegetables, it means a lot of the food she buys goes from the store, to the fridge, to the trash. The way my mom wastes money is akin to death by a thousand cuts.
My dad’s primary approach to frugality is by not consuming. He tries to spend as little as possible. He is great at not buying things.
To this day, my dad’s knee-jerk answer to the question “would you like a sandwich?” is “no”. Why? Because for years when he was working, he would pack a lunch to bring to work, and the cheapest lunch he could think of to bring was sandwiches. For years and years he ate food he hated five days a week because it was an inexpensive thing to eat. To the point that now he’s still sick of sandwiches over 20 years later.
My dad was also pretty good at math, and keeping track of things. My mom would spend small amounts here and there, and not realize how quickly these small amounts were adding up. Not dad. He knew the danger of the “oh, it’s only a few dollars” mentality to spending.
I remember one time our family took a trip to Disney World. My dad estimated how much the trip would end up costing us, and when he told my mom, she didn’t believe him and accused him of exaggerating and being miserly. So on the day of the trip, he showed her the cash in his wallet and made her count it. At the end of the day, he made her count what was left over. Sure enough, his estimate wasn’t too far off the mark. She was shocked and he was smug.
But while mom’s most likely method to waste money was like a leaky faucet, my dad’s way of losing money was by being penny wise but pound foolish.
Here’s an example. I’m in the middle of a bathroom renovation. My dad is very handy and he’s been a big help with the reno. We’re putting in a custom shower with a niche. Something like this:
Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m too risk averse. But I’ve seen grout cracks before. Haven’t you? Call me crazy but I feel like extra peace of mind might be worth $200. Especially when it comes to my own home and when the alternative could be water damage and a repair bill in the thousands, or weeks of easily avoidable work and inconvenience.
I have always admired my mom for knowing the price of everything. Likewise I’ve always admired my dad’s talent for anticipating the amount of any bill.
But I’m equally grateful for my mom teaching me not to be wasteful by buying more than I need, and my dad for teaching me when it’s wise to spend a little extra to avoid future trouble. Even if those lessons weren’t intentional.